Ok yes I realize how sexist this topic may seem but at least hear me out first. I have nothing against (most) women but this particular encounter is incredibly special. This situation fascinates me as a Psychology major and terrifies me as a man. One fine day at Kmart I witnessed something spectacular. A man and a women, a husband and wife if you will, were checking out. The wife asks the husband for his PIN number as she is using his debit card. Husband gives the PIN, wife enters the PIN. The cash back option pops up. “Honey, would you like any cash back?” says the wife. “No, I don’t need any.” Wife reaches towards the Pin Pad. “Oops, I hit $20 cash back, is that ok?” “Well I’d rather not,” says the husband. “Oh, well do you have any cash?” “No, I don’t. But I don’t need any either.” replies the husband calmly. “Oh, you always do this! You never have cash and you charge a $1.59 pop or some other stupid thing! Just take the $20 and be happy with it!” “Ok, I’m sorry.” replies the husband apologetically. Umm… anyone else see what just happened there? Wife screws up, husband tries to act diplomatically, wife get’s pissed and convinces the husband that he’s the one who messed up. What? WHAT?! There is no way I witnessed this. Did that seriously just happen? This makes me afraid of women a little bit. I’m hoping that this particular woman is part of a small percentage of the female gender. I know enough to realize that not all women are crazy, but I also know enough to realize that a small percentage are. Here’s to hoping I find one of the not crazy ones!
*BEEEEP* Excuse the technical difficulties ladies and gentleman. Today I’d like to talk to you about r-e-s-p-e-c-t and you’re going to find out what it means to me. *Ba Dump Ch* Generally, it’s my belief that it means that you aren’t a dick for no reason. You know who is a dick for no reason? Customers. I’m sorry you can’t read THE FREAKING SIGN!! I’m sorry you’re paying more than 10 cents for a KOOL AID PACKET!! Yes we only have one checker open right now. Contrary to what your belief must be not everyone wants to go to KMart at 8:50 on a MONDAY NIGHT!! Wait 5 minutes and don’t be a jerk to the checker who has the misfortune of being forced to ring you up. Man you would think it’s so simple and easy to understand but dang it’s annoying at how rude people can be. I’m telling you, I should teach a class. A mandatory one because no one is willing to admit that they are complete assholes to people they don’t know.
Alright ladies and gents, after a small hiatus I am back posting on a regular basis. As some of you may know I had planned on posting regularly this summer but my plans got way laid by… well… procrastination and laziness. But no more of that! I will be updating Monday and Wednesday every week and randomly hitting Thursday, Friday, and the weekends. So if you’re a casual viewer check my Facebook or Twitter page every Monday and Wednesday. If you’re a dedicated viewer check back every day or so and see what I’m up to. But enough about my updates! Let’s get on to the actual content.
With all the social sites I browse casually (read “obsessively”) I’ve come to a sad but true realization. Original content is on its last leg, if not completely dead already. All I see are crappy selfies (for those of you who don’t know, selfies are pictures you take of your self just to see how much attention you can leech from other people), reused and misused meme’s and pictures of peoples cats. Typical selfies plague twitter and Facebook. Selfies that could be labeled “unnecessary focus on cleavage,” “hip shades with the sun in the background,” or “mirror shot that shows just how dirty your bathroom is.” And those are just the ones I like to post! Add all the cat and corgi posts and you realize just how 1.) easily amused we are or 2.) how self-absorbed we are. But wait, it gets better. Some people have this delusion that the world wants to know what their dinner looks like. Pictures of your dinner? Are you serious?! Since when did Imgur become the official website of the Food Network? If I wanted to see that much food I’d watch Gordon Ramsey or some other random chef prepare food. All of that aside, let me get to the point. Original content no longer exists. The phrase “originality is dead” comes to mind but I don’t think that’s the case. Originality isn’t dead, it’s just being smothered by quick “knee slap” jokes and arrogant pictures of everything you do. I’d say this equates to “creativity is too lazy to be seen” which is a tragedy in and of itself. More people need to think outside the litter box and take pictures and post content that doesn’t have to do with their favorite feline.
Now that I’ve covered unoriginal people, let me move on to people who we can’t even comprehend. Forgive my status as an arrogant American but I’m gonna be one anyways. If you live in the United States learn English! Yes I know we don’t have an “official language” but how many street signs do you see in French? Ok if you’re visiting the US on vacation I can understand the language barrier but if you have an address in the United States… LEARN TO SPEAK THE LANGUAGE!!!! Pretty soon we’re going to be making road signs in six different languages. Yeah, because that makes complete sense! If you reside in this country you have 2 options: 1.) learn the language or 2.) keep a translator with you at all times. This topic would have never crossed my mind if it weren’t for a recent customer encounter. This gentleman didn’t understand the English language at all. Not even the dollar and how much he needed to pay. He was a couple of dollars short but unfortunately for both of us the language barrier prevented us from resolving the issue. The result? He storms out the door and I’m stuck with an almost completed transaction that I have to call the store manager to get rid of. Absolutely wonderful. The sad part is, he will probably go on our review website, find it in his language, and chew me out. Yeah, I’d love to have a 1 on 1 with my manager because you don’t speak fricken English!! Have some respect for the country you’re in. Please.
Ok now that I’ve relieved some stress from the morons I encounter on a regular basis I’ll wrap Wednesdays update up. Like I said earlier. Everyone Monday and Wednesday I will be uploading new content and there will be other stuff scattered throughout the rest of the week. I”m working on an actual book and I’ll start posting bio’s and spoilers about that very very soon (hopefully). So all of my supporters should stay tuned. That’s all for this week and I look forward to any comments or suggestions I receive from you. No… seriously, comment and critique away. Until Monday!
And we’re back! And by we I mean me of course. I know I said at the start of summer that I’d be posting more regularly but the world is a disappointing place. Deal with it. But never fear! I have returned. Now on to the business at hand. Retail jokes. If you’re asking yourself “Hasn’t he beat this horse to death yet?” the answer is no, I have not. People say write about what you know so that’s what I’m going to do. We can all appreciate a good laugh every now and then but some jokes you hear too much. “Hey did you hear the one about that crazy chicken and that road?” Yes. I did. No that item isn’t free just because it doesn’t have a price sticker on it. Yes that’s a lot of paper. You think you’re the first person to think of that? Uhh no. You aren’t. If I had a dollar for every time I heard that IN A DAY I’d be making more than what KMart pays me. And another thing. That $35 ink cartridge you found buried in the jeans is not $15. The sign says “Wranglers Jeans” and you’re a moron. We hear this crap all the time and we’re not amused by you’re shenanigans. Either sharpen up that “wit” of yours or stop trying to be funny.