Entry 3: The roaming hordes, the shuru, and lynchables.

Hello everyone and welcome to the third installment of my blog. I’d like to thank you all again for taking time out of your busy days to listen to me ramble. I appreciate all the feedback I’ve gotten from everyone. As always thanks for checking out my entries.

Now, let’s get on with the show. A lot of people think that there’s something wrong with the world now, that it should be like the good ole days. They’re partially right and I have a solution. Mongolian hordes. Well, not necessarily Mongolian ones, they went a little crazy riding the women and raping the horses and all, we can leave that part out. What I want are hordes of 1.) rednecks and 2.) metrosexuals. Picture this, a roaming band of redneck men who duck hunt, skin deer, catch salmon, piss whiskey and then drink it straight hauling privileged pent house dwelling heirs out into the wild to live off the land for a week. Now there’s a show I’d go outta my way to watch. And imagine the reverse, the Duck Dynasty men getting pedicures, haircuts and heaven forbid, getting their beards trimmed. Heck, just put one of each in a house and see what happens. Think Paul Bunyan meets a straight Neil Patrick Harris.

On a completely unrelated note, Kmart has a new man running the shoe department, yours truly. No I cannot get you socks for free or slide you some sweet Dr. Scholls inserts, as much as I hate my job, I’d like to keep it. One of my coworkers dubbed me the new “Shoe Guru” which I appropriately shortened to “The Shuru.” That’s right, I said it, I’m not afraid to be that corny. Come to think of it that would make quite the superhero. Able to size up even the largest feet, capable of leaping entire stacks of shoes in a single bound. Yep, I’m a superhero. Now I just need a catch phrase. Tripping up crime one lace at a time. I can’t believe I just said that.

Speaking of Kmart! That’s where the idea for a new segment came to me. Because of my fat fingers and lack of dexterity, I mistakenly typed the world “Lynchables” into my phone instead of “Lunchables.” Golden mistake. Not only does it depict a neat little meal conveniently packed for your enjoyment but it expresses a willingness to be chased down the streets by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks.  Now I’m not supporting the crimes of our stained past, I’m merely expressing the delight that could be found in a childhood snack if only one letter were changed. If you’ve got a word that could benefit from such a transformation or one similar let me know and if I get enough good ones I’ll make a new segment called “Weekend Words” or include them in a future entry.

Well that’s all for this week. Again thank you for trudging through yet another entry and as usual blah blah blah you know the drill. We’ve come a long ways this week; from fixing America to the birth of a superhero and arriving at a snack that always makes me reminisce. See you next week everybody!

– The Shuru –


Entry #2: Making it worse, The purpose of a college education, and Touch screen ordering.

First off I’d like to thank anyone who stumble back to read my newest entry.  Again any comments or suggestions are welcome and appreciated.  I’d also like to say that if you find my blog to be amusing or informative enough feel free to tell anyone else who you think would enjoy it; but enough of the appetizer, on to the entree!

First off I’d like to address anyone who complains via the internet.  This topic was inspired by the former Mustang Confessions page that I referred to in my previous entry.  People not only complained on that page, they would then complain about people complaining, and yet even more people complaining about those people.  Let’s think about this for a second.  Actually, let’s not, I already have a headache from the chain of stupidity that could lead to such a ridiculous outcome.  Listen, you’re entitled to your opinions, everyone is.  Other people are even entitled to refute your opinion.  The first level of complaining I can tolerate but I refuse to accept 2 or 3 levels of it.  If you don’t have something constructive to say or at least something that isn’t making the conversation better; basically if all you’re doing is making the argument worse, keep it to yourself.  You aren’t amusing, you aren’t trolling people, you aren’t even clever; you’re just that annoying douche that everyone wishes they could slap up side the head.  Keep it to yourself unless it furthers and benefits the conversation.  You’re in college, act like it.

Speaking of being in college, one of my professors once told his class that the purpose of college wasn’t to teach you information but to teach you how to find information.  Am I the only one who has a problem with this?  Now obviously he didn’t mean he’s teaching us how to google something or look it up on Wikipedia; but seriously, their job isn’t to teach us information? So… let me get this straight… we’re paying thousands of dollars a year to become… researchers? Secondary researchers at that.  Now I’ll admit, we were learning how to use the online databases that are provided through the university.  That being said, I don’t think we’ll be able to easily access those databases after we graduate.  I’m all for going out and doing your research and taking your education into your own hands, but isn’t that why we’re here in the first place?  We decide our majors, pick our classes to an extent, choose whether or not to go to class.  To have a professor say that it isn’t his job to teach you the facts of the field of study he is supposedly an expert in seems absolutely ridiculous to me.  Another thing that I find ridiculous is how slow fast food places are to innovate and integrate new technology.

This past weekend my parents came to Marshall to visit their youngest son who doesn’t get to go home very often.  We ended up going to a couple retail stores, they bought me some sweet sunglasses and a shirt and told me about their recent trip to the Caribbean.  The first thing we did though was wait in line at A&W for almost a half an hour, just to spend 20 minutes trying to order our food from a woman who was not the most technologically inclined.  Now neither party was hostile, we didn’t raise our voices and she remained calm and polite, a testament to her customer service capabilities.  It was during this almost hour long endeavor that I had an epiphany.  I realized the Subway in town had a touch screen ordering system for their drive through, a feature I thoroughly enjoy utilizing.  Also, Walmart has a convenient self checkout lane that can cut down your checkout time pretty dramatically.  I wondered, why can’t fast food places utilize these technologies?  A touch screen menu that can be completely operated by the customer.  Now I know what some people may say, what about people who want to order from an actual person?  Well that’s simple, put the touch screen next to the ordering station that’s already there!  Come on companies, it’s not that difficult.

I’d like to thank everyone who made it this far, this entry got a bit more long winded than I had anticipated.  That being said, I wouldn’t have typed it if I didn’t think it was worth reading.  If you think it was worth your time feel free to send the link to someone else you think might find it worthwhile.  As always I appreciate any comments or feedback you may have and if you’ve got any suggestions for further entries I would love to hear those as well.  This is G-Rant signing off.

The Full Moon Phenomena

It is a savage creature.  A mixture of man and beast, of conscience and instinct.  It possesses a tormented soul whose voice pierces the night, bouncing off the glowing cause of its horrific transformation.  Its outward facade instills nothing but terror in those it encounters while its inner mind is constantly horrified at the terrors and pain it inflicts.

It starts with the fingers.  Before they are ordinary, unnoticeable pieces of flesh and bone.  They are no different in construction than that of a child’s.  What they become is far more terrifying.  The nails turn to black claws bent on rending flesh from bone and soul from body.  Brown fur sprouts from the fingers and palms, erasing the soft alabaster color of humanity.  The muscles pulse and ripple, as they too become monstrous.  Their strength multiplies tenfold.

The transformation continues up its arms.  First the fur, then the muscled physique.  The arms become a mixture of crimson and black.  They turn to indestructible bands of steel-like strength.  One squeeze from these hideous appendages can splinter trees and grind rock to nothing but powder to be blown about by the wind.

Its toes and feet shift much like its hands and arms have.  The nails become blacker than the night sky.  But unlike the night, who has stars to light the way, the nails possess a blackness that light nothing but the way to death.  Its legs become nothing but black hair and spring like tendons.  With these superhumanly unnatural legs, the beast can leap rivers and navigate through the forest without ever leaving the treetops.

The torso is the next piece to succumb to this terrible curse.  The beast painfully rips at the flesh of his previous form.  Underneath the skin lies the majority of the monsters strength.  The skin beneath its fur has become a leathery and impenetrable guard against all but the sharpest blades.  The hair on its back standing on end to show a heightened state of awareness.  Most noticeable is the silver glint of the mane.  It runs across the shoulders, down the spine,  and ends at the small of its back; a sign of his elder status within the pack.

Finally, the face begins to turn.  His hair flows from the skull to partially mask the horrific event.  Through glimpses the transformation can be seen.  The nose extends to become a snout of spectacular capabilities.  Its lips spread to show yellow, dagger-like, teeth.  Its chin recesses to become part of its elongated neck.  The ears become pointed and hyper-sensitive.  They are able to hear a rustling mouse a mile away, or a baby softly breathing while it lies in its crib.  The eyes become bloodshot before losing all color.  They are no longer the eyes of a man, but of a demonic creature.  It is said that if they could be gazed upon one could see all their sins within the eyes of the beast.  It is also said that one may be gazing into the eyes of the ruler of the abyss, come to lay claim upon the soul.

The last thing to come is the stench.  The horrid smell of dead flesh.  It smells of sulfur and brimstone.  The creature emits a stench that is instantly repulsive but yet somehow alluring.  The scent forces the nostrils to flare and has made many men to retaste their dinner.

It howls at the moon.  Then it rears on its hind legs and leaps into the night, looking for sustenance and possible converts.  People who would sell their souls to the devil to go through this agonizing transformation until the day arrives where the moon no longer shines.

Entry #1

Let me first thank anyone who is willing to spend 5 or 10 minutes reading the thoughts of a random guy at a random college.  I plan to cover a broad range of topics.  Anything from Video Games to current fads or trends to politics (which I’m not very educated in) or religion (which I’m a bit more informed of.) No topics are off limits and if anyone has a suggestion I would be more than happy to hear them out.  Now that the formalities are out of the way let’s get down to business.

I am a proud student of SMSU and I support most of their endeavors.  That being said, I am saddened at the recent closing of the SMSU confessions page.  While most of the posts there were thoughtless and stupid posts about pooping in microwaves, there were enough quality posts that I believe it should have continued to exist.  I have thought about picking up where the previous page left off and starting my own, where posts’ validity and value were considered and weighed, and stupid, mindless complaining was ignored and discarded, I have decided that the costs outweigh the benefits.  I have realized that it is not my duty to enable socially awkward people to confess their hidden desires to the world (or at least the SMSU campus) so that they may sleep better at night.  Now that I’ve covered the SMSU part, let’s move on to something that people actually care about.

There has been a renewed interest in gun control laws and school shootings.  Politicians have decided that the ease of which teens can gain access to M rated games involving gun violence and brutality has been a major cause contributing to the increase of school shootings. Let’s stop and think about this for a minute.  First off, the teens they are referring to are between the ages of 13 and 16, teens that are not legally able to purchase M rated games.  Next, teens that are 13 – 16 are not legally able to purchase ANY firearms, much less firearms that hold more than 12 rounds.  Hmm… so video games that are unobtainable for 13-16 year old’s are responsible for killings in which the perpetrator isn’t legally allowed to own the firearm that was used? Makes perfect sense to me.  Let’s ignore the immediate locus of control (parents) and attack the larger entity that can provide the most money.  After all, who would sue Mr. and Mrs. Smith when Smith and Wesson are just a few far-fetched claims away!

Now, on to a completely unrelated topic, one of my high school friends and a phenomenal athlete, has recently come under fire from the NCAA for using his status as a Gopher wrestler to further his music career.  They have decided that since he is using his status as a Gopher wrestler to further his music career that he is no longer eligible for competition and that his athletic scholarships are no longer valid.  He will receive a small portion of those scholarships for the remainder of this semester but if he refuses to take down his music from Youtube and separate himself from his productions he will lose all athletic eligibility and forfeit any scholarships he has been given. This is a ridiculous funneling of an individuals talent. Basically the NCAA is saying “We recognize your talent as a wrestler, therefore that is all we will allow you to explore. All the other talents and aspirations must be swept under the rug until we, the NCAA, can no longer lay claim to your name or your talents.”  If you wish to explore this individuals struggle more, his name is Joel Bauman. On Facebook his name is “Joel Whysguy Bauman.”  He has received a lot of media attention lately and his goals are to inspire and to impact.

Well for my first entry I think I’ve done pretty well. I started out with the idea of writing the most dryly sarcastic blog anyone has ever read but it evolved into something completely different.  I have covered confessions pages, gun laws and how they relate to video games, and an NCAA athlete.  I stated earlier that I would appreciate any comments or critiques that you may have and I stand by that statement.  I would like to thank everyone who made it this far and I look forward to tackling more topics for you in the future. Stay true to you.