Tag Archives: Comedy

Entry 18: Phil Robertson and Family

Well the year is now 2014 and welcome back to my little pet project! I say pet project because I’ve been too lazy to regularly update like… I… promised. Never fear! I’ve been hurranged into writing again and a few people actually griped about me not staying true to my word about posting regularly. With that in mind, let’s kick off 2014 with a bang! By bang I mean all of the hub ubb surrounding Duck Dynasty and one Phillip Robertson.

Phil Robertson did an interview with GQ magazine (who might be the real winners in this whole ordeal.. when was the last time they were relevant?) during which he made a few pointed remarks. Remarks that got under some skin in some places. The leading question, the “teaser question” if you will, is “What, in your mind, is sinful?” Ok, ask a conservative redneck from the south what is sinful and you expect… the politically correct response? Ha! Good one. Phil replied with “Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men. Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.” Ok liberals you’re right he did say that he believed that homosexuality was a sin. He also said IN THE VERY NEXT SENTENCE that bestiality was wrong. Why isn’t the ACLU swooping in on this nugget? A man who is featured on the most popular reality television show EVER speaks out against sex with animals and no one causes an uproar?! Simply outrageous… Ok. Maybe having sex with animals is a stretch, they can’t verbally give consent so we won’t fuss over someone who doesn’t endorse that. What did Phil say next? “sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men” Hmm… he’s talking about one person sleeping with more than one gender and more than one individual. He’s already talked about his view on homosexuality. In this situation he’s not specifically talking about homosexual relations though, he’s talking about multiple partners. That sounds a lot like promiscuous behavior. Sleeping around just for the sake of sleeping around. Ok so… why aren’t people up in arms about that part? Oh wait… I know why. It’s because homosexuality is THEE HOTTEST TOPIC IN THE WORLD TODAY!!!! After ya know, overpopulation, famine, the economy, the middle east… etc etc etc… but no! We need to talk about a 2nd rate cable channel that airs a tv show about people with beards who make duck calls. My bad, news channels you were right. Lets talk about Phil for a few months. On to the next topic!

The fallout from the whole “Phil Robertson hates gays” thing is just the jumping off point. A magazine (of which I don’t know the name of because I work at Kmart and don’t care about pop culture) had a short piece, one page, on the Duck Dynasty controversy.  They threw a little square on the front page to say “Look at us! We’re talking about Duck Dynasty!!” and admittedly, it did catch my attention enough to read the article. Basically, everyone in the Robertson family is behind Phil 100% The article even states that Willy, the man most likely to disagree with Phil (because he’s more business/public image/politically correct minded) didn’t turn on his father. So basically any opinion that a member of the Robertson family expresses is not going to be denounced by the family members. Which leads me to one conclusion. The second highest (behind God) power in the most popular reality TV show to ever exist is family. Not money, not fame, not screen time, not advertisements. Family. I was once asked to do something for one of my siblings, I don’t remember the specifics and they were probably boring anyways, but I had asked someone else why I’d go out of my way to do that and the response was “because they’re your family” and I immediately felt like the worlds biggest *expletive* because I didn’t realize sooner that your family is one of the biggest, most important, most influential entities that you will ever encounter in your life. And that you should be willing to do anything for them. So… the next time your home from break or have some free time and your mom or dad asks you to sweep the floor or clean your room (I’m looking at you Nate, Nik, Emma, Magnus, Conor, Claire, Colleen, Austin, Ethan, Ivy, Luke and Gene) just do it. It’ll take you 5 minutes and save both you, your parents, and your uncle a headache. 😀 Oh and by the way… I love all of you to death.

Alright I think that’s been enough for people to handle. Two paragraphs about conservative America and ol’ fashioned values?! Lets not get carried away here. I need to keep my liberal readers (of which i have none) interested. Keep checking on my page if you find what I have to say worth reading. One of my New Year’s Resolutions is to post content more regularly and I plan on keeping this one. I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

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Regular Entry 14: Oh My God Becky Look At Her Butt

Alright I said on Monday that I had big plans for today’s entry but this is just too amusing for me to pass up. Hopefully a song kicked off when you read this weeks title and if it didn’t you might be too young or too sheltered for this one. This week is gonna be a little different but hopefully just as entertaining. But that’s enough for an appetizer, let’s get to the entree.

The title is the opening line to Sir Mix A Lot’s classic hit “Baby Got Back.” If you haven’t seen it or only vaguely remember it here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kY84MRnxVzo And before you ask, no I don’t know what’s with the alligators. While this song/video were edgy as hell at the time if you listen to anything but the chorus you might change your opinion. Before I actually payed attention to the lyrics, which I hadn’t done until today, this song just sounded like a black guy trying to get with girls with big… behinds. I would have continued to think this but I found the one Youtube comment that’s actually worth reading. “This is actually quite a good song for a lot of women to boost their self-esteem. Hear me out – he raps about Cosmo calling women with curves fat and how he is apparently not down with that.” courtesy of Jibriltz. Upon further exploration I find lyrics like “I’m tired of magazines, sayin’ flat butts are the thing” and “I ain’t talkin’ bout Playboy, ’cause silicone parts are made for toys” Wait wait wait… rap lyrics can actually have meaning?… So he’s saying that flat… rear ended… women aren’t his thing and that he likes a girl with a little, excuse me for using the obvious phrase, junk in the trunk? Huh? So… you mean my first impression was wrong?! How… how is this possible? So a black man rapping actually has socially related lyrics that have implications that endorse acceptance for all different types of people?! Is this man in Congress yet? No, he’s not. Assholes who shut down the government and then get together the next day to talk about the government shut down are in Congress. I’m not saying Sir Mix A Lot is the next incarnation of Shakespeare, I’m just saying he may not be as shallow as a lot of people believe.

Not of that generation!? Fear not, a new proponent of the posterior has arisen! His name is Flo Rida. His single is “Can’t Believe It.” Here’s the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WDcpwZqYlU Listen and view at your own discretion. The chorus leaves the same taste in my mouth as “Baby Got Back” but the differences lie in the verses. Consider, for example, the poetic lines “Telling all the girls, all around the world, my last name must be Robin, ‘cause I’m basking in these asses, all thirty flavours keep calling,” or “Ustedes saben quien es quien; Mira salinga con toda esa…; Como tu sabes estoy loco.; pero que bueno que era poco,; Mami mueve los coco.” I don’t know what the hell that second one actually means but judging by the popularity of this song it must be a statement right up with the solution to cold fusion. Lyrics don’t get much better than that (at least not these days). Hold on just a second, I’ve saved the best for last. I’m about to reveal to you one of the closing segments of this song. Please try to contain your excitement, it may be difficult, but please try. “Babu I am bam, baram bam baram babu I am bam, baram bam baram babu I am bam, baram bam baram babu I am bam, baram bam baram.” Wow, if those lyrics don’t speak to you… I don’t know what will. It almost brings tears to my eyes. Please excuse me for a second… *cries uncontrollably*

Ok, *sniffle,* I seem to have collected myself enough to close out this entry. I hope you leave this entry a more educated and evaluative thinker. The first topic shows why we should be skeptical with first impressions and the second shows why we shouldn’t. “Grant, if you present me with conflicting ideas, which one do you truly believe? Why should I listen to your opinion if you don’t know what your opinion is?” I don’t know, and that’s the point. 😀 Basically, I hope this entry, as is my hope with every entry, has spurred you to think more and to behave automatically less. Thank you to everyone who has read my ramblings, which has recently surpassed 1000 views, and may you continue to be Granters. On a final not, I cannot express to you how grateful I am to have you view my works over 1000 times, honestly I started this thinking I’d receive 2 or 3 views on each entry, and that those views would come from family members. I thank each and every one of you and if I could I would deliver that thank you, in person, with a firm handshake and a solid 5 seconds of eye contact (that’s all I can really afford right now.) Thank you. I’m out.

Regular Entry 12: Sunday Drivers and Pony Tails

Welcome back everyone!  As always thank you for taking time out of your busy days to read through the random thoughts I have throughout my day.  I’ll keep this intro short and sweet so as not to annoy you any more than usual. This week my topics all stem from one drive from good ole Kerkhoven to my new home in Marshall. This routine, uneventful drive, is so mundane that I often tune out and just think. Until of course, someone makes me change my cruise speed, and with that, let’s kick it off!

Picture this. A nice long stretch of highway ahead of you. Nothing but a straight away and a scenic landscape. You see a car approaching in the opposite lane. It’s moving rather slowly, but  there are only 2 cars in sight so they aren’t holding anyone up. As they approach, you realize they are going about 30 MPH in a 55, you see that they are an old (probably married) couple. I had thought that with the ridiculous prices of gas that the Sunday stroll would have ceased to exist but this particular couple proved me wrong! These soldiers of the old guard truly appreciate how relaxing it is to drive through the country at a leisurely pace and just not give a crap about who’s behind you. Flash forward 30 minutes, I’m stuck behind some tourist from Iowa going 55 in a 60. Seriously? 55?! This I can handle, it’s not the worst thing in the world, especially since there’s a passing lane coming up. I’ll just bide my time and fly past when I get the chance. These two are mild cases of Sunday Drivers, people who aren’t in a hurry to get anywhere, they just wanna enjoy their ride. Now let me tell you about the 3rd car I saw on this ride.

Alright, a Sebring, probably some middle aged soccer mom. 52 MPH down a straightaway with no cars in sight. Ok, this works, except we’re in a 60… a convertible on top of that. Why is the top up? I didn’t even know Toyota made a car that could pull the top back. You’re on a long trip and… you… have… the top… up?… Ok I know it’s not a sports car or a muscle car but come on, you own a convertible, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT!! Especially since  you’re on a long drive. alright, convertible nonsense aside, remember when I mentioned that I though the driver would be a middle aged soccer mom? I mean, it is a Sebring after all, let me move on to the meat of this paragraph. I finally get to pass this individual who is unworthy of a convertible and what do I see? A middle aged, tatted up man sporting a PONY TAIL!! Hold on just a second. You have a pony tail and you’re driving an economy car? WITH THE TOP UP?!?! Hold on buddy. Let me start off by saying men SHOULD NOT HAVE PONYTAILS!!! That being said, men sporting pony tails exist, it’s an unfortunate truth, but one that we must face. So if they have to exist, I’d like to lay down some ground rules. 1.) You have to own a Harley right now or at some point in your recent past. 2.) You have to be tatted up. 3.) You have to smoke cigarettes or cigars. 4.) You have to love beer. 5.) You have to hate your job unless it’s working with cars or bikes. 6.) You basically have to be a badass. What you do not do is drive 5 MILES UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT IN AN ECONOMY CAR!!!! What is wrong with you?! Do you really think you’re a rebel cruising down the road in a Toyota Sebring with the top up?! I don’t even know how to fix this. It’s just so… twilight zone-ish that I don’t know how to correct it. Toyota Sebring + Male Pony Tail =/= anything I want to be a part of. It just doesn’t.

Alright now that I’ve expressed my frustration at… well… random people I encountered on the road I’d like to once again thank all of you for reading my random thoughts and experiences. As always I’d appreciate any and all feedback that you may have. I mean it. Even if it’s just a FB message or random text I appreciate all feedback. I hope I didn’t bore any of you and I hope you enjoyed this weeks entry. I said it a couple of sentences ago but I’ll say it again, let me know if you have any feedback or any topic suggestions you’d like me to tackle. Have a wonderful week. You’ll hear from me next Monday! (Maybe sooner)

Regular Entry 11: Welfare and Fraud

Alright everybody welcome back! This marks the 11th anniversary of my little pet project and I’m thankful for all of the views I’ve received so far. You are all awesome for reading through these and without you I would have stopped a long time ago! This week I’m tackling two topics that seem to be a bit out of my realm of expertise but you don’t get anywhere in life by playing it safe. Now I know some of my readers are more educated on these subjects so criticism (constructive or otherwise) is more than welcome. Just please be gentle.

Welfare. The great safety net that prevents the unfortunate from remaining unfortunate. The glorious precaution that ensures that the poverty stricken have a fighting chance. Some (read “all”) political movers and shakers need to go to a psychology course. Apparently no one who has been voted for has heard of learned helplessness. You see, this occurs when someone has been beaten down and defeated so many times that they don’t care anymore. They literally give up. In theory, programs such as EBT and food stamps seem like sound ideas. Give a person a fighting chance, a little boost, and they’ll elevate themselves above their misfortunes. Let me give you a counter example. There is this customer who frequents Kmart, who pays with an EBT card, and has a job. I’ve seen this individual twice outside of Kmart. Both times at the liquor store, and they weren’t buying a 6-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. I’m talking close to $50 in alcohol each time. Paid in cash. So wait… you can afford to buy alcohol with your own money but not food? NOT FOOD?!?! This is one of those times I’d be more than ok with hitting someone over the head with a tack hammer. Seriously, if you can’t afford Mac and Cheese and a Mt. Dew on your own dollar why the hell are you buying a 1.75 of hard liquor and a case of beer?! Why?!?! In short, people who know nothing but defeat and failure are ok with continuing that trend. They’ve accepted defeat and programs like this just provide a way for them to continue that way. Good job.

Now this topic has a bit of a tie in to the last one. Again, this example stems from a customer interaction and a tendency to buy Folger’s. Let me illustrate. Folger’s can be bought with EBT. Lottery tickets cannot. Customer’s can “lose” receipts which forces us to reimburse them in the form of a gift card. Gift cards cannot be used to purchase Lottery tickets either. Unless the person working behind the desk hasn’t been properly trained. Which happens a lot at Kmart unfortunately. Let me piece it together for you. Purchase coffee with EBT. “Lose” receipt. Get refund on Kmart gift card. Find new service desk associate. Purchase lottery tickets. So you just purchased scratch off tickets with government money? Really? Really?! Alright (excuse my language) asshole! I’ve seen you in here with your family; with your wife and kid. Did you really just throw away the money the government is giving you to provide for your family on (excuse my language again) FUCKING SCRATCH OFFS?!?! What. The. Hell. It’s people like this that make me lose ALL FAITH IN HUMANITY!! Get your priorities in line dude. You’ve got a kid to feed, not an addiction to feed. Another example would be the woman who perpetually comes in to Kmart (and only Kmart) to do Western Union transactions and who only shows up during MY SHIFT!! I have seen this woman multiple times and have told her that Hy-Vee does Western Union transactions and yet she only shows up when I’m working. Does she know what kinda car I drive or something?! The conclusion I’ve come to is that Hy-Vee refuses to do business with her and she thinks she can dupe me into helping her. I’m guessing, purely guessing, that she thinks that i’m dumb enough to not check her name against the restricted list but I can’t confirm this. I’m not. In conclusion, never think you’re the smartest person in the room. Always over estimate the intelligence of those you’re dealing with and finally… DON’T BE A DICK!!!! I don’t know how many times I have to say it but damn… there are way too many people who just don’t understand that.

So. If you’ve made it this far I applaud your patience. You’ve listened to me ramble on about things I’m not exactly an expert on. I am by no means an expert on anything political but ya know, we’ve all got to branch out some time. To be honest I struggled with topics this week but a 20 minute encounter with one of my roommates piqued my interest and gave me the inspiration for this entry. I’ll say it again, I appreciate any feedback, topic suggestions, or critiques you may have. Thank you for soldiering through yet another entry and I hope you are entertained by what I’ve been writing. Don’t hesitate when giving me feedback. I welcome all types.

Regular Entry 10: American Stupidity and Empathy

Welcome back everyone! My Regular Entries are now a decade old. Wait. That’s ten years. OK it’s a dime old! Wait that’s not right either. Aww whatever this is entry 10. I am glad at least some of you are reading these and I hope you continue to do so. I know I’ve been incredibly inconsistent but bear with me, that is about to change! I have two very different topics to discuss this week but I hope everyone considers them both worth reading. Alright enough small talk! Time for me to take you to dinner.

July 4th. Independence day. If I wasn’t so lazy this wouldn’t be 20+ days late. Anyways! July 4th is the day we declared our independence. Now we celebrate it with fireworks, grilling shindigs and ice cold beer. American flags fly off the shelves and bald eagles make their appearance at every gathering over 10 people. ‘Merica! All of this sounds well and good, a perfect summer day. Unfortunately, being as socially connected as I am, I checked Twitter on the 4th. I saw plenty of “USA!!!” posts but do you know what else I saw? “Happy Birthday America! 2013 years strong!!” Oh my goodness. Who the heck thinks America is 2013 years old?!?! Please, if the majority of people think this, smack me over the head with a tack hammer because I’m not sure I want to live with these people. I clicked one of the hashtags and found that this particular individual was not the only one to think that the United States of America was 2013 years old. What scares me is that people this stupid probably have driver’s licenses and jobs. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. We should have IQ tests in order for people to BREATHE!!!! Read a book people! I swear if these people are making more than minimum wage or even have jobs with this enormous lack of intelligence I’m moving to Canada. Pull your head out of your derriere and learn a little bit about the FREAKING PLACE YOU LIVE IN!!!

On to topic number 2. Being a retail associate, I deal with all types of people, and I really do mean ALL types. There are friendly customers, indifferent customers, angry customers, fast customers, slow customers, good smelling customers, bad smelling customers, OK if you don’t get it by now just stop reading. All of these types of customers have taught me one thing. DON’T BE A DOUCHE!!!! You don’t know what the people behind the counter are dealing with. One (excuse my language) bitchy customer cussing out one associate who has a little too much on their plate can end in tears. Whatever rights you think you have as a customer do not override the rights the associate has as a human being. Show some freaking respect and be patient. Jerks and (excuse my language again) assholes need to realize that a name tag does not equal a robot destined to do your bidding. Just because we have to follow a dress code in the store and you do not does not mean you can treat us like second class citizens and shout over 50 cents. Also, I hope you don’t treat your family like this because if you do I would disown myself from that particular group. Like I said earlier, whether it’s with a random stranger or a family member, don’t be a douche. People have stuff going on behind the scenes that you don’t know about. Too many people have forgotten the Golden Rule. Treat people how you’d like to be treated. So STOP BEING A DICK!!

OK, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest! It’s time to wrap this weeks post up. 1.) Don’t be a boisterous ignorant American, 2.) Don’t be a dick. Real simple rules for life, and I mean REAL SIMPLE!! As always thank you to all of my loyal readers and fans and I hope you found this worth your time reading. Questions, comments, and concerns are always welcome and if there’s something on your mind that you’d like my take on feel free to let me know. I’m open to suggestions, otherwise I’ll just wing it and run out of ideas eventually and nobody (probably everybody) wants that.

Monday Mini-Rant: Women

Ok yes I realize how sexist this topic may seem but at least hear me out first. I have nothing against (most) women but this particular encounter is incredibly special. This situation fascinates me as a Psychology major and terrifies me as a man. One fine day at Kmart I witnessed something spectacular. A man and a women, a husband and wife if you will, were checking out. The wife asks the husband for his PIN number as she is using his debit card. Husband gives the PIN, wife enters the PIN. The cash back option pops up. “Honey, would you like any cash back?” says the wife. “No, I don’t need any.” Wife reaches towards the Pin Pad. “Oops, I hit $20 cash back, is that ok?” “Well I’d rather not,” says the husband. “Oh, well do you have any cash?” “No, I don’t. But I don’t need any either.” replies the husband calmly. “Oh, you always do this! You never have cash and you charge a $1.59 pop or some other stupid thing! Just take the $20 and be happy with it!” “Ok, I’m sorry.” replies the husband apologetically. Umm… anyone else see what just happened there? Wife screws up, husband tries to act diplomatically, wife get’s pissed and convinces the husband that he’s the one who messed up. What? WHAT?! There is no way I witnessed this. Did that seriously just happen? This makes me afraid of women a little bit. I’m hoping that this particular woman is part of a small percentage of the female gender. I know enough to realize that not all women are crazy, but I also know enough to realize that a small percentage are. Here’s to hoping I find one of the not crazy ones!

Monday Mini-Rant: Respect

*BEEEEP* Excuse the technical difficulties ladies and gentleman. Today I’d like to talk to you about r-e-s-p-e-c-t and you’re going to find out what it means to me. *Ba Dump Ch* Generally, it’s my belief that it means that you aren’t a dick for no reason. You know who is a dick for no reason? Customers. I’m sorry you can’t read THE FREAKING SIGN!! I’m sorry you’re paying more than 10 cents for a KOOL AID PACKET!! Yes we only have one checker open right now. Contrary to what your belief must be not everyone wants to go to KMart at 8:50 on a MONDAY NIGHT!! Wait 5 minutes and don’t be a jerk to the checker who has the misfortune of being forced to ring you up. Man you would think it’s so simple and easy to understand but dang it’s annoying at how rude people can be. I’m telling you, I should teach a class. A mandatory one because no one is willing to admit that they are complete assholes to people they don’t know.